Jesus Walks, but not in ATX

what is the use of traditional adages and proverbs when we disregard them completely in favor of our anger and suspicions? would you feed a man if he told you he was hungry? is that the Christian thing to do?

what if I told you he was thief?
or a liar.

a drug dealer.

a scammer.

is he still a hungry man?

this one is a little out of the park for me- to make such a religious reference, because I favor spirituality over religion. religion doesn't appeal to me not because of its message, but the stigma and message of its misguided construed by its followers and their interpretations. Jesus sought to deliver a message-- in its traditional form most of us are familiar with anyway.

so in this ... What would Jesus do?

Jesus the teacher, Jesus the kind, Jesus the merciful son of God- he'd feed a hungry man, would he not?

would he feed a hungry thief?

a hungry liar?
wat about a hungry man who had committed every sin in the book
I mean, are you supposed to judge them first, use your own discretion?
is that part in the Bible? --sorry, I just... I don't know how Jesus makes those kinds of judgment calls...

learn. everyday. your thoughts are important; your words are powerful; but your actions-- I hope that your actions will remember your proverbs.

it's not about what Jesus would do.

it's about what you will do.

What are we doing to ourselves?

I had a terrible experience yesterday afternoon walking a few blocks in Round Rock, TX. I was simply trying to clear my head, but in the course of ten to fifteen minutes, several separate men tried to approach me. These men were pulling over on the side of the road, honking, getting out of their cars, following me down the street, all vying for my attention. It was a horribly dehumanizing experience. It didn't seem to matter that I was an educated, well intentioned, aspirational human being - hell it didn't even matter that I was a human being.
And the worst part is I can't hold these ignorant men completely accountable for their thinking. The very meaning of ignorance is not knowing [any better]. But someone has to take responsibility - actually all of us have to take responsibility - and that includes them. That includes women like me. I hold the media and popular culture accountable, and all those who endorse it.
The very first step to oppressing and enslaving a human being is (what?) dehumanization- making them less than a living, feeling, breathing equal. And frankly if I were dying of a terminal illness, I think I'd take Akon and Eminem with me. I hold them responsible, and songs about the apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur--(bend over give that big booty a slap)-- songs like that (narrated by men) assume the voice of women, and offer her into submission and make her a commodity - as well as the various parts of her body they've broken down into valuable assets (objectification). It is heart breaking that women who grew up in the same or similar environment I did (sheltered, suburban, educated) fail to open their ears, eyes, minds, and hearts. This angers me because these are the ladies endorsing this CRAP. These women who don't take this type of thing seriously because the reality of the repercussion of this type of song (which they dance to like it was written for them in the clubs) is only relevant when they're walking from their bars to the car- not in broad daylight on a Wednesday afternoon. These women need to take responsibility for their actions. This affects your sisters living in less privileged situations. Can you imagine having to deal with this environment every single day? Can you imagine how that must affect the psyche of a woman? Can you imagine how that shapes the psyche of a girl?

I like exploration and hibernation in equal amounts.

I have been in Austin for almost four months, and not a single blog. It seems I only come here when I am frustrated/sad.

I want to be better than this. I want to write about progress. About blank slates and possibility and awaking and achieving. I am focusing on none of the above, today.

It's been kind of rough, honestly. I'm glad we moved here, but I can feel myself hardening/aging in a way I didn't/couldn't in Montana. I can't decide if that is good or bad, so for now it simply is.

I have a lot to say, but not right now. Right now I'm waiting on a call back on a job offer.

Next time I blog, I will blog in the a.m. before the coffee has worn off. I am feeling deflated right now, but life is good. Chris and I got a puppy, I'm wearing a summer dress in the middle of November, and Blonde Redhead plays in a few weeks. I moved here because my key ingredients to happiness are live music and sunshine. Add a loving boyfriend and a puppy with dicey judgment to the mix and it's truly the life I've chosen.

you are enough.

I have a problem of giving all my care and support to one person, even if it isn't always needed. This scares me and also saddens me. I have become better at avoiding this in the past few months, but I am not completely happy with this part of me yet. I feel young, foolish and like I am too much. Or not enough. Or too eager. Or too useless.

I keep trying to remember what Chelsea wrote on a post it note for me last year – "you are enough, you do enough, you try enough."

Hopefully I will get there in the end.

agas adore

Agas adore is Irish for listen to the music and adore. Well, the adore part isn't Irish. It's a phrase that I love, and I wish I remembered how to say it properly. At the same time, I'm not certain that it's wrong.

This past week or so I've been drifting, alternatively horribly and wonderfully.

This year...it's been alright, it's not going to haunt my dreams like the other ones have, but it's not been uplifting either. I'm on track with money, career, and health goals. My planner is full, my time is in blocks, and I am struggling with the two extremes of human connection. The first is the one that has blown back in my face somewhat, and quite rightly so, so I've been told by strangers, friends and myself alike. And the second is the one that's keeping me going.

I'm glad I'm leaving Missoula. I've quit other places, but it's different with Chris. Everything's different with Chris.

I have always valued my independence. But the feeling that there is someone gunning for you, someone on your side, that's something amazing. Something I've never felt before.

But enough of that. I risk becoming Austen-esque, and God knows that ain't right.

Like I mentioned earlier, things are going well. I am 3/4 to my monetary goal, 1/3 to my weight goal, and I'm liking life, too. Things seem to be all right now, and that's a very strange feeling, because it happened so suddenly and without any action on my part. And I'm happy, I am, but I still have an uneasy feeling that it will blow back in my face.

I'm suffering from writer's block, after a fairly prolific year. I don't even want to write - well, I do, but I can't bring myself to sit and do it. Which would all be fine except I have this rewrite that's gonna need me to not be blocked.

"I'm beginning to warm myself at other people's virtue"

Dear Montana,
things are worse than expected.
The winter isn't what it used to be and a violent shadow seems forever
cast down upon us by the looming black mountains.

I wanted to doccument Montana in this blog. I wanted it to serve as sort of a farewell that I could one day look back on. So far, I have done a terrible job. I love this state...in the summer: festivals, cliff jumping, hiking, camping, river floating, first friday, outdoor shows, the barista confession booth, my eleven dollar bike with the little license plate, bubble parties, wine tastings, dollar sushi, glacier, yellowstone, flathead, ghost towns, bike rides, wildflowers, the market, and all of the fabulous people I've met here (everywhere here). Montana. Instead, my blog is made up of other peoples' quotations.

Ah well this is an excerpt from 'This Side of Paradise'

Protaganist Amory Blaine is having a conversation with himself (in the form of Questioner and Answerer)

Q. - Be definite.

A. - I don't know what I'll do-- nor have I much curiosity. To-morrow I'm going to leave New York for good. It's a bad town unless you're ontop of it.

Q.- Do you want a lot of money?

A. - No. I am merely afraid of being poor.

Q. - Very afraid?

A. - Just passively afraid.

Q. - Where are you drifting?

A. - Don't ask ME!

Q. - Don't you care?

A. - Rather. I don't want to commit moral suicide.

Q. - Have you no interests left?

A. - None. I've no more virtue left to lose. Just as a cooling potgives off heat, so all through youth and adolescence we give offcalories of virtue. That's what's called ingenuousness.

Q. - An interesting idea.

A. - That's why a "good man going wrong" attracts people. They stand around and literally Warm Themselves at the calories of virtue hegives off. Sarah makes an unsophisticated remark and the faces simplerin delight-- "How innocent the poor child is!" They're warming themselves at her virtue. But Sarah sees the simper and never makesthat remark again. Only she feels a little colder after that.

Q. - All your calories gone?

A. - All of them. I'm beginning to warm myself at other people's virtue.

Q. - Are you corrupt?

A. - I think so. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about good and evil at all any more.

Q. - Is that a bad sign in itself?

A. - Not necessarily.

Q. - What would be the test of corruption?

A. - Becoming really insincere-- calling myself "not such a badfellow," thinking I regretted my lost youth when I only envy the delights of losing it. Youth is like having a big plate of candy. Sentimentalists think they want to be in the pure, simple state they were in before they ate the candy. They don't. They just want the fun of eating it all over again. The matron doesn't want to repeat her girlhood-- she wants to repeat her honeymoon. I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.

Q. - Where are you drifting?

While I don't relate to the character, I relate to the subject of ( fall from innocence).

So on a shallow note, I bought the Jan issue of Vogue. I love magazines in January: so fresh and full of promise for the coming year. I feel silly buying magazines like this, as I have not put much effort in my own appearance for the past few years (flowy skirt+plaid shirt+last nights makeup + winter cap to cover my unbrushed hair). In fact, I generally try to avoid fashion magazines, because I feel that they might trigger me back into my E.D. mindset. Even so, I don't know why, I have phases of getting into fashion. It's usually when I am feeling buoyant. Relevant is a line in "The Age of Innocence" when Newland Archer says to Count Olenska, "Fashion is a serious consideration for people who have nothing more serious to consider." Than again, I sort of disagree with that. Presentation is important, whether we like it or not.

maybe I will look back on this someday..

I had a bad day. I have to keep telling myself that "it's not that serious."

To channel my negativity, these are some of normal (and terrible) side effects of 'growing up' that I wish to avoid.

Maybe I will look back on this someday.

"The Art of Being Normal"

1. Anything that makes us forget who we are and what we want; that way we can work in order to produce, reproduce, and earn money.

2. Setting out rules for waging war (the Geneva Convention).

3. Spending years studying at university only to find out at the end of it all that you're unemployable.

4. Working from nine till five every day at something that gives you no pleasure just so that, after thirty years, you can retire.

5. Retiring and discovering that you no longer have enough energy to enjoy life and dying a few years out of sheer boredom.

6. Using Botox.

7. Believing that power is much more important than money and that money is much more important than happiness.

8. Making fun of anyone who seeks happiness rather than money and accusing them of "lacking ambition."

9. Comparing objects like cars, houses, clothes, and defining life according to those comparisons, instead of trying to discover the real reason for being alive.

10. Never talking to strangers. Gossiping about the neighbors.

11. Believing that your parents are always right.

12. Getting married, having children, and staying together long after all love has died, saying that it's for the good of the children (who are, apparently, deaf to the constant screaming matches).

13. Criticizing anyone who tries to be different.

14. Waking up each morning to a hysterical alarm clock on the bedside table.

15. Believing absolutely everything that appears in print.

16. Wearing a scrap of colored cloth around your neck, even though it serves no useful purpose, but which answers to the name of "tie."

17. Never asking a direct question, even though the other person can guess what it is you want to know.

18. Keeping a smile on your lips even when you're on the verge of tears. Feeling sorry for those who show their feelings.

19. Believing that art is either worth a fortune or worth nothing at all.

20. Despising anything that was easy to achieve because if no sacrifice was involved, it obviously isn't worth having.

21. Following fashion trends, however ridiculous or uncomfortable.

22. Believing that all famous people have tons of money saved up.

23. Investing a lot of time and money in external beauty and caring little about internal beauty.

24. Using every means possible to show that, although you're just an ordinary human being, you're far above other mortals.

25. Never looking anyone in the eye when you're traveling on public transport, in case it's interpreted as a sign that you're trying to get off with them.

26. Standing facing the door in an elevator and pretending you're the only person there, no matter how crowded it is.

27. Never laughing too loudly in a restaurant no matter how good the joke.

28. In the northern hemisphere, always dressing according to the season: bare arms in spring (however cold it is) and woolen jacket in winter (however hot it is).

29. In the southern hemisphere, covering the Christmas tree with fake snow even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.

30. Assuming, as you grow older, that you're the guardian of the world's wisdom, even if you haven't necessarily lived enough to know what's right and wrong.

31. Going to a charity dinner and thinking that you've done your bit toward putting an end to social inequity in the world.

32. Eating three times a day even if you're not hungry.

33. Believing that other people are always better than you--better-looking, more capable, richer, more intelligent--and that it's very dangerous to step outside your own limits, so it's best to do nothing.

34. Using your car as a weapon and impenetrable armor.

35. Swearing when in heavy traffic.

36. Believing everything your child does wrong is entirely down to the company he or she keeps.

37. Marrying the first person who offers you a decent position in society. Love can wait.

38. Always saying, "I tried" when you didn't really try at all.

39. Postponing doing the really interesting things in life for later, when you don't have the energy.

40. Avoiding depression with large daily doses of television.

41. Believing that you can be sure of everything you've achieved.

42. Assuming that women don't like football and that men aren't intersted in home decorating and cooking.

43. Blaming the government for all the bad things that happen.

44. Thinking that being a good, decent, respectable person will mean that others will see you as weak, vulnerable, and easy to manipulate.

45. Being equally convinced that aggression and rudeness are synonymous with having a "powerful personality."

46. Being afraid of having an endoscopy (if you're a man) and giving birth (if you're a woman).