"I'm beginning to warm myself at other people's virtue"

Dear Montana,
things are worse than expected.
The winter isn't what it used to be and a violent shadow seems forever
cast down upon us by the looming black mountains.

I wanted to doccument Montana in this blog. I wanted it to serve as sort of a farewell that I could one day look back on. So far, I have done a terrible job. I love this state...in the summer: festivals, cliff jumping, hiking, camping, river floating, first friday, outdoor shows, the barista confession booth, my eleven dollar bike with the little license plate, bubble parties, wine tastings, dollar sushi, glacier, yellowstone, flathead, ghost towns, bike rides, wildflowers, the market, and all of the fabulous people I've met here (everywhere here). Montana. Instead, my blog is made up of other peoples' quotations.

Ah well this is an excerpt from 'This Side of Paradise'

Protaganist Amory Blaine is having a conversation with himself (in the form of Questioner and Answerer)

Q. - Be definite.

A. - I don't know what I'll do-- nor have I much curiosity. To-morrow I'm going to leave New York for good. It's a bad town unless you're ontop of it.

Q.- Do you want a lot of money?

A. - No. I am merely afraid of being poor.

Q. - Very afraid?

A. - Just passively afraid.

Q. - Where are you drifting?

A. - Don't ask ME!

Q. - Don't you care?

A. - Rather. I don't want to commit moral suicide.

Q. - Have you no interests left?

A. - None. I've no more virtue left to lose. Just as a cooling potgives off heat, so all through youth and adolescence we give offcalories of virtue. That's what's called ingenuousness.

Q. - An interesting idea.

A. - That's why a "good man going wrong" attracts people. They stand around and literally Warm Themselves at the calories of virtue hegives off. Sarah makes an unsophisticated remark and the faces simplerin delight-- "How innocent the poor child is!" They're warming themselves at her virtue. But Sarah sees the simper and never makesthat remark again. Only she feels a little colder after that.

Q. - All your calories gone?

A. - All of them. I'm beginning to warm myself at other people's virtue.

Q. - Are you corrupt?

A. - I think so. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about good and evil at all any more.

Q. - Is that a bad sign in itself?

A. - Not necessarily.

Q. - What would be the test of corruption?

A. - Becoming really insincere-- calling myself "not such a badfellow," thinking I regretted my lost youth when I only envy the delights of losing it. Youth is like having a big plate of candy. Sentimentalists think they want to be in the pure, simple state they were in before they ate the candy. They don't. They just want the fun of eating it all over again. The matron doesn't want to repeat her girlhood-- she wants to repeat her honeymoon. I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.

Q. - Where are you drifting?

While I don't relate to the character, I relate to the subject of ( fall from innocence).

So on a shallow note, I bought the Jan issue of Vogue. I love magazines in January: so fresh and full of promise for the coming year. I feel silly buying magazines like this, as I have not put much effort in my own appearance for the past few years (flowy skirt+plaid shirt+last nights makeup + winter cap to cover my unbrushed hair). In fact, I generally try to avoid fashion magazines, because I feel that they might trigger me back into my E.D. mindset. Even so, I don't know why, I have phases of getting into fashion. It's usually when I am feeling buoyant. Relevant is a line in "The Age of Innocence" when Newland Archer says to Count Olenska, "Fashion is a serious consideration for people who have nothing more serious to consider." Than again, I sort of disagree with that. Presentation is important, whether we like it or not.